On the occasion of the 10th anniversary of the Manawatu University of the Third Age
An old Australian member of the University of the Third Age was
lying (through his teeth)
dying (the ground red with blood from his haemorrhaging haemorrhoids; he loved big words and technical terms)
worrying about the future for his pet kangaroo named TED;
he gathered all his fellow-students around him and affirmed:
We all know that the purpose of our venerable institution is learning;
it is about discipline and edification, not pleasure and entertainment;
and so I have an educational task for you all; it will involve allocation of much of your time and energy to studying the habits of an exotic marsupial, a creature ruled by its natural instincts; all animals make messes, so be ready for the clean-up afterwards, and try not to be embarrassed by its crude behaviour, as this is Australia, where crudity and rudity reign. And with regard to the presentation of your results, I am not offended by paronomasia and rhymistics (punning does not merit punishment, and sublime rhyme, be it simple or complex rhyme, black or white rime, deserves better than a frosty reception).
You get mentioned first, but only in PASSIN’, Mrs LARSEN,
but you always were a model student and a LEADER, FREDA;
unfortunately Ted is often guilty of LARCENy,
but you can handle him like a stern Anglican PARSON;
put the fear of God into him and make him quake,
you can FREE DA beast of all his hangups and make him a Quaker,
and write a thesis on the phenomenology of kangaroo religion.
And you must have it bound, as in: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
Well now, you would not call TED A TOWNY, EDNA DOWNEY,
he wants to be in a natural native bush setting;
so when the sun goes DOWN HE would like to go to your pit park,
if you can get him past the Rottweiler guard HOUND EEEEE;
if you put TED IN A BED IN THE GROUND HE would be glad;
GET DOWN on one KNEE (on two, you might not get up again)
and tuck him in, so he learns respect for the U3A FOUNDER,
because he is all leaps and bounds, a regular BOUNDER;
give him a play-reading: tales of Winnie the Pooh, Kangga, and Roo;
and for a lullaby, some of your Hell’s bells,
to make him keep his HEAD IN A DOWN ON KNEE position all night.
Nevertheless, you might need to: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
Ted needs someone to be his NANNY, Herr PANNY,
to empty his bed PAN EEEEE, for good SANItation, Mister PANNY.
No! You are clearly over-qualified for that position.
However, it really is un-CANNY, Monsieur PANNY,
that you can speak three languages at once,
they just roll on your tongue and ROLL OFF, ROLF,
and you philosophize in every one of them;
but philosophy is not for a kangaroo,
though perhaps suitable for a cunning dingo or a wiley WOLF, ROLF;
still, a KANGGA might take to KAFKA,
to help him hop over the Great WALL OF China, ROLF.
So that’s why it would be best to: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
John, you could GARNER in some bonza tucker for Ted,
there’s nothing he likes more than a beaut BANANA, JOHN GARNER;
what will you do when he wants to skip to the loo,
when he gets his mind set on hopping to the JOHN, JOHN?
Turn a blind eye? Being tied up having to mind a roo can be a bind;
I dunno about this book-binding stuff suiting kangaroo paws;
but give him a big book to squat ON, JOHN,
like the dog that sits on the tucker box, five miles fro GANAdagai.
At bedtime you could tell him some of your tall tales,
because you have always been a très BON YARNER, JOHN GARNER.
And for safety’s sake: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
Still needing someone to help with his toileting, President PHILLIPS,
so perhaps you could give him some FILLIPS, incentives,
to be hygienic, CHRIS, when he wants to ... FILL UP Some holes.
He is itching to get his paws on your computer keyboard,
and show you his pictures on the screen; but be careful,
for a reward he likes to KISS FULL LIPS, CHRIS PHILLIPS.
So if you want to give that a MISS, CHRIS, you had better:
Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
You could invite him to HAVE TEA or DINE, DAPHNE KYNE,
(So KIND of you to come)
but not like the statue in Mozart’s Don GioVANNI, DAPHNE,
who wreaked havoc in the power LINE, and raised Hell;
to keep him occupied you could play him an opera, or NINE
(he likes Wagner’s one about the gold of the RHINE)
and revel in ecstasy till the cows, the erstwhile KINE, come home.
But when the time arrives: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
I have heard you say you have plenty of empty hours to spare,
in your retirement, so caring for a kangaroo is just the thing for you;
but you need to KNOW, Alec RainBOW, Ted is a smart ALEC, too;
sometimes I wish I could send him somewhere over the RAINBOW,
though not to the land of Oz, coz he’s there already;
but if you could fly him through time to Dr Who,
you could scare him into submission with a DALEK or two.
By the way, if you are an expert on the RAINBOW,
maybe you know how to make the RAIN GO away.
In any case, be on guard: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
Your grandchildren would like him, GRANNY DAPHNE;
actually this job is a bit of a STEAL, though sometimes he gets DAFFY
and it requires nerves of STEEL, to REEL him in;
he has been known to STEAL grub, for his next MEAL,
but he draws the line at witchety grub;
so, keep the walking stick handy, Daphne, and give him a quick flick
to bring him to HEEL, Mrs STEELE.
Sometimes he needs to be restrained: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
DIANNE AND LARRY HAIST
Larry Haist, you gave us our logo of three or more people at a table,
and whatever you are having, Ted will be in a HURRY and in HASTE
to join in and have a TASTE, leaving no WASTE.
You know that good-looking sheila you were glad to MARRY, LARRY,
well Ted is DYIN’ to get his arms round her in a wed-lock, too,
he wants to carry her around his WAIST;
but he’s the kind that MARRY and don’t TARRY;
no problem, though, because he is easily distracted,
with anything you can BUY AN’ CARRY, DI AN’ LARRY,
from a Chinese department store or takeaway food shop.
Pourtant, Cependant, Néanmoins, you might need to take out a restraining order against him and thus: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport
It’s no SECRET, MARGARET,Ted needs your loving psychiatric care, but not too loving, as he’s likely to get amorous and voluptuous,
like the randy kangaroo in the news, accosting a woman with a view to contracting a temporary marriage; they put a BAN ON him.
Don’t let yourself be Ted’s TARGET, MARGARET,
he’ll be at you like a shot out of a gun, or a CANNON,
hopping into your CAR TA GET a ride, MARGARET;
and AFTER IT, MARGARET, he’ll want to have a CIGARETTE;
phew! it’s getting hot and steamy, you’ll need to turn the FAN ON.
And fasten his seatbelt securely : Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
Brother Bryan Ibell, you are diVINEly reLIABLE, and you are aware
that the things that you’re LIABLE to read in the BIBLE
are not necessarily so, but open to discussion, everyone having a say;
accordingly, I trust there will be no grounds for a LIBEL suit here;
I have to tell you, without a word of LYIN’, BRIAN,
this lowdown marsupial of mine is LIABLE to follow his base instincts
(E flat bass, like you and me) and engage in current affairs,
involving seminal issues with infantile outcomes (joeys in the pouch);
don’t think about FRYIN’ his bacon, BRYAN (but it’s cholesterol-free)
just confront him EYEBALL to EYEBALL, and keep on TYIN’ him;
tether him to HIGH HELL, or make him wear a HIGH BELL.
The best way to keep track of him is: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
You wood-devil (Wald-Teufel), from the wild dark woods,
I’ve seen you lurking around the redwood forest on the hill;
YOU ‘wicked’ GENIE (not one that comes out of a bottle),
in nature’s realm you could teach him to do what comes naturally, waltzing, to the music of WALDTEUFEL, not as in ‘Waltzing Matilda’ (carrying a swag, also ‘humping Matilda’, and ‘being on the wallaby’); and also, naturally, drawing; he could hold a pencil in his little paw,
but if he starts to paw you with his TEENY WEENY claws, Eugenie,
it will definitely be time for a pause : Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
Mate, you have dallied so long in Australian CLIMES,
and been such a good sport in the land of the mozzie,
that Ted might even accept you as a dinkum Ozzie,
and it will be just like old GLAD TIMES, Fred Symes;
now there’s a philosophcal question: TIME.
with that you could have the TIME of your life, and you did.
Creative writing would not be for Ted, Fred
(after all, how many RHYMES can you find for SYMES?);
Combative fighting is more his style, boxing with the gloves on;
but when into the ring with you he CLIMBS,
he could knock you DEAD, FRED SYMES;
so watch miy wallaby’s feet, as Rolf Harris SAID, FRED,
and for the very last TIME: Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....
Ted would not wish to FORGET, MARGARET, to say to you:
This was one of those great DAYS : WELL DONE;
and he wants you to write his biography;
that will be fine, provided you can Tie miy kangaroo down, Sport ....