Kangaroo caught on the hop
PALMERSTON NORTH CHORAL SOCIETY
90th ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
On the night after the performance of ELIJAH
(there may be some clashical allusions, below)
An old Australian chorister was LYING (through his teeth),
DYING (the ground red), worrying about his pet kangaroo, TEDDY;
so he called his CHOIR COBBERS around him,
and he lifted up his voice, SAY-ING:
Draw near all ye people, come to me.
When I’m gone, I want you to be good sports and look after Teddy:
Tie miy kangaroo down, sport, Tie miy kangaroo down;
don’t let him go galavanting around the town,
just tie miy kangaroo down.
You are so lovely, ALISON, with the CHALICE ON Sundays;
and you never show us any MALICE ON Mondays;
you could give him a taste of Thomas TALLIS ON the organ;
make Teddy hop to your beat, or beat him with your batòn, Alisòn;
however, come what may, they will never say...
(what never? no never! what never? absolutely never!)
they never will be able to say... you BLEW IT Mrs Stewart.
All together now: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
JOHN and KATHY LOVE
President John, our Mister Fixit, so keep the lights ON, JOHN;
the blessed light bulbs keep burning out in the hall
and in the JOHN, JOHN;
the summer days are GONE, JOHN, and yet no power cometh,
to help us;
lift thine eyes, o lift thine eyes, to the mountains, whence cometh help;
so keep your hilltop electricity turbines whirling ON, JOHN, LOVE.
KATHY, you put the icing on the cake;
I wish you were my personal private secretary, at MASSEY U;
I’d love to spend countless minutes with you dictating minutes,
to dissipate (not in dissipation) my aPATHY, KATHY, LOVE;
but a man should be happy with what he HATH, KATH;
and you are too busy trying to tie your own frisky Oziy kangaroo down.
Yes, Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
Bob Burns, you are a revered senior,
coming in at 18, still here in your 80s;
as we say and sing: We heard it with our ear...trumpets
(though I’m the one with the trumpet;
your instrument is the trombone;
and that’s the reason for our debilitating deafness)
but in those years when we were here in this hall together,
in John Schwabe’s youth orchestra, you in your fifties, I in my forties,
you were playing your mellow cello, making our hearts THROB, BOB.
A good accountant EARNS his keep
and LEARNS his JOB, BOB BURNS,
and when he is auditing, he wears his hearing-aid, for better audition,
and for best results he gives it a few more KNOB TURNS, BOB BURNS.
And don’t forget: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
NEREDA, you always say, WHERE ARE DA things to be done?
you do YOUR BIT and YOUR BEST, and bake a cake;
and NEVER A dull moment, NEREDA;
if you are in the line of Gentleman Jim Corbett, the boxer,
you could give my Teddy a bout,
all for THE BETTER, FOR A BET, NEREDA CORBETT.
OK. Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
With Jenny in charge, TED will be well catered for, and FED;
I have had dinner at your place, and I know;
and while the committee deliberated in their meeting there,
I REDD a WHOLE BOOK, Mrs HOULBROOKE.
When I was a boy, the kangaroo featured on the Oziy PENNY, JENNY,
and as you are always in for a PENNY, in for a POUND,
you could keep Teddy in your pound;
and if you helped him with his TIE,
he would give you a nice kangga hug, one of MANY, JENNY.
So .... Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
Look after my comforter TEDDY, EDDIE; he badly needs counselling,
so always have your psychology handbook READY, EDDIE;
don’t EGG him on when he should be in BEDDY bides;
the BEGGAR’S likely to try and eat the Apple on your Mac computer.
So you had better Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
NEVILLE BISHOP & JOHN JAY
Don’t let the little sinner PLAY and STRAY, Reverend John JAY;
don’t let him REVEL on your roads, Bishop NEVILLE;
the blighter can go like the DEVIL, NEVILLE,
and next thing he’ll be hopping about on a LEVEL crossing;
when he gets possessed by an unclean spirit, one DAY, Father JAY,
or a dirty DEVIL, NEVILLE, John the priest can exorcise him,
and when he is LEVEL headed again, NEVILLE, you can exercise him.
Right, then. Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
KEN & SHEILA JOLLEY
JOLLY old Ken, our Ken, the big’n from WIGAN, in Lancashire;
(cows in Lancashire are having an Italian opera singer serenade them,
to improve the quality of their milk, but I digress);
you left a barber-shop choir to join us, back THEN, KEN,
and now you can’t get a good haircut, KEN, WHEN you need one;
a wizard of an alchemist, you turn base metals and bass notes into gold.
I FEEL A liking for that JOLLY nice SHEILA you hang round with;
your hands are full keeping your WHEELER-DEALER tied down;
don’t take me literally, when I say ‘feel’ and ‘hands full’ and ‘tied down’
and ‘wheeler’ as meaning someone who goes round in curves;
you didn’t understand they were speaking metaphorically,
when they told you to ‘break a leg’;
that’s the height of FOLLY, Dr JOLLEY.
You are the one who needs to be kept in a PEN, KEN, with my Teddy.
Yes indiidy, Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
Take Ted walkies on your Pettifar forest track, on a HIKE, MIKE;
he’ll be the BETTER FOR it, Mr PETTIFAR, and not get SICK, MICK;
don’t let him get on his BIKE, MIKE; and that’s not a METAPHOR;
watch his legs, though, he gives a HELL OF A KICK, MICK,
so keep your hand ready on your walking STICK, MICK.
And when necessary: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
You are a connoisseur of kangaroo (meat), fat-free and LEAN, IAN,
so I’m wary of entrusting him to a Victorian Sydneyan Queenslander;
I’d need to keep a CORDON around you;
no parachute-jumping, with the ripCORD ON hold and intact;
as a dancer you could teach him the foxtrot and Gay GORDONs;
but his perverse predilection is for munching music books,
so you would have to keep a CORD ON him, librarIAN, IAN.
Yep: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
FRANCES & GRAEME SIDDLE
When your left hand caresses the piano,
the bass line DANCES, FRANCES,
and Teddy could do a fling to that, but prevent MAYHEM, GRAEME;
you will find he is a sweet LIDDLE pet for the SIDDLE home,
though inclined to fidget and FIDDLE a bit, and PIDDLE on the carpet.
Definitely keep a tight leash on him: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
Give him KIA ORA, FIONA, and KIA KAHA, Miss CROZIER;
but he needs stern discipline (a good smack on his rear?),
don’t let him think he is THY OWNER, WHAIA ONA;
I realize he could be a WEE CLEANER, WHIWHIINA,
but you won't let him make messes on the FLOOR or LAWN, FIONA.
Still, sometimes you will have to Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
I shall itemize all his needs on a FULL LIST, SCIENTIST GILCHRIST;
briefly, if he gets a bit stroppy, just make him KNEEL, NEAL,
your bell-ringing, making Hell’s bells PEAL, NEAL,
will surely bring him to his knees.
Otherwise, simply: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
When Teddy is on the loose, don’t get caught BENDING, Mrs ENSING;
you will SHOW US, LOIS, that a kangaroo can do flower ARRANGING;
and you will make him laugh AND SING.
No need to: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
BARBARA ARCHER, LOCK, PURCHAS
All you Barbaras should PURCHASE a good Yale LOCK,
in case he LURCHES out of his DOCK like a Welsh rabbit;
keep him under lock and key, but when he is free, no ARCHERy.
It might seem BARBAROUS, BARBARAS,
but: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
Dearest Mrs DONOGHUE, you have DONE A FEW kindnesses for us,
definitely more than ONE OR TWO historical displays,
and constant regular encouraging words to myself;
on the Wellington bus, CARROL, to sustain us,
you were the BARREL of meal that never fails, and a BARREL of fun;
and you will keep my kangga on the straight and NARROW LINE,
and not let him go off the rails.
Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
For keeping the account books, you are the MAN, STAN;
a treasured treasurer you store our treasure
in secure BARNS, Mr BARNES;
truly, it is a taxing job you do, as you conscientiously PLAN for us;
our wealth is always safe in your HAND, STAN;
(the committee once built a BRIDGE over troubled CORPses;
but that's all water under the BRIDGE now);
and if Teddy ever plays up, throw the book at him.
Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
Dr DRAKE, I don't want to be too OPAQUE, but for clarity's SAKE
I'll say we noticed you finding it hard to stay aWAKE,
after bringing a clutch of ducklings into the world that day;
we know you are not a veterinary medico,
but if Teddy fathers any noisy kangaroo joeys,
and looks as if the strain is making him FLAKE out
(I'm not asking you to BAKE a CAKE of flaky stuff,
but Tasmanian wallabies are into opium poppies)
you could give him a comforting shot, and he'll be JAKE.
Then you should Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
You could comb and burnish his coat
to its PRISTINE state, CHRISTINE,
but be warned, CHRIS, he thinks a KISS is BLISS,
so you'd best Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
With regard to feeding him, JANE,
he has been a PAIN and the BANE of my life;
a lot of money goes down the DRAIN,
he eats more than a Great DANE, JANE,
try to make him reFRAIN, singing this refrain:
Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
Unfortunately, he is a bit of a TIPPLER, WILMA,
and FILL MA GLASS, EE, to KILL MA thirst, LASSIE
is what you'll be hearing; but make him settle for
a cup of DILMAH, WILMA, not your watery pearl tea.
You must just Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
You are not around these days, my sweet FREN' GWEN,
I miss you so much the pain is as bad as when you are here;
you can keep Teddy in your PEN, GWEN,
and soothe him by strumming on your MANDOLIN, GWENDOLINE.
And I would like you to Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
BLESS ME, ESMÉ, HEY, Good idea!
Dress TED up elegantly in a RED jacket, but no pearls;
he will probably greet your attempt with DISMAY,
and try to avoid you like the PLAGUE,
but it would PLEASE ME.
Hold on to him! Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
You asked me to do this, and I nearly left you out;
but CATHERINE I have been BLATHERIN' too long
in your HEARIN'.
So, just: Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
A chaplain is just what I will be needing soon,
a madré in lieu of a padré;
I am not a FELON, HELEN, but I'll need a bit of absolution,
and for my cremation you can put me in the KILN,
and if I revive you will hear me YELLIN'.
That's when you should Tie miy kangaroo down, sport.
I'm starting to PETER out, PETER; I'll want you as a PALL-bearer;
nothing could be SWEETER than FLOWERS ON my coffin
from the HARRISON garden centre.
And as an architect you will design for me, and TED when he's DEAD,
a magnificent tomb that is beyond comPARISON.
The names are getting longer, and so a gentle Celtic word for you:
Begorrah! NAOMI, make Teddy STAY ‘OME In inCLEMENT weather,
and that will be just SUPER Mrs ROEPER.
BETTY-ANNE LAWLER-WISCHNOWSKY (BETTY KENDALL)
Longer and longer names.
Now Cherith’s brook is dried up. For rhyming and punning purposes:
the deeps afford no water; and the rivers are exhausted.
The heavens are as brass, There is nothing above me.
Does any of that rhyme? Not even an ANAGRAM, BETTY-ANNE .
My TRAWLER finds the FISH have gone OFF-SKI.
Time for me to WISH you well and stop singing OFF-KEY.
As the prophet Eliyahu declared: It is enough!
Tie ME AND miy kangaroo down, sport.
Remember the new health and safety rules: you may kiss with a kangaroo, waltz with a wallaby, but don’t jig with a pig, snog with a hog, or entwine with swine.